Key Takeaway
Unless it is not in your child’s best interest, try to support a positive connection with their other parent.
How?
- Children often feel like they need permission to love both parents.
- Let them know they do not have to worry about hurting your feelings.
- Let them know you will be okay while they are away.
- Never bad mouth their other parent in front of them. Teenagers in particular may blame one parent or the other for the separation, but avoid blaming anyone when talking about your separation. Instead, try to actively remind them of their other parent’s positive qualities and that they love them.
- Help them look forward to seeing the other parent. Many kids have separation anxiety or feel guilty about leaving a parent alone. Let them know seeing their other parent is a good thing.
- React positively when they talk about the fun things they did with the other parent
- When the kids are with you, find ways for them to stay in contact with the other parent such as text, phone calls or video chats.
- If they’re using your phone make sure they don’t have access to any disagreements between you both via text message or social media.
- Work on managing your emotions so your feelings about the other parent don’t get in the way of doing what is best for your kids. See Identifying Feelings.
- Let your kids know that they are not responsible for your feelings. Avoid using your kids for emotional support, instead get emotional support from your friends or professionals.
- Protect your child’s well-being first. What is best for their wellbeing? See Best Interest of the Child.
- Work to make visits with the other parent as drama free and easy as possible on the kids. Stick to the pre-planned arrangements and agreements. See Parenting with the Other Parent.
- Avoid criticizing the other parent in front of your kids
- Avoid making them feel guilty about spending time with the other parent
- See Keeping Kids out of the Middle
Protective factor
Remember parents working together in a respectful manner can positively impact their child’s wellbeing.
Safety note
Many of these tips may not apply if there is a risk of violence to you or your children. If that is the case, get help from family justice professionals. See Get Help.
Check yourself
By honestly assessing your actions and attitudes towards co-parenting, you can identify areas where you may need to make adjustments to better support your child. Ask yourself:
- Do I demonstrate cooperation, respect, and civility to the other parent?
- Do I model good emotional regulation so my kids can learn to regulate their emotions?
- Do I prioritize my child's needs and best interests above any personal conflicts or differences with the other parent?
- Do I encourage my child's involvement in activities and events with the other parent?
- Am I supportive of phone calls, video chats, and visits with the other parent?
- Do I avoid speaking negatively about the other parent in front of my child?
- Do I acknowledge and respect the importance of the other parent's role in my child's life?
- Am I seeking support from a counselor, or support group to help navigate the challenges of parenting after separation?
Remember
Just because you are separating from your partner does not mean your child is as well. Children should not be separated from their parents unless it would be in their best interests.
