Key Takeaway
When a parent is absent or children resist seeing a parent, the children involved need extra love and support.
Unfortunately sometimes one parent might not be in the picture anymore. They might not want to be involved, or it isn’t safe for them to be around your child. Regardless, this can bring up a lot of negative feelings for your child such as them feeling rejected or abandoned.
- Your child may feel that they are unloveable or it’s because of them that the other parent isn’t around. Tell them it’s not their fault. Tell them that they are loved and deserve to be loved!
- Be their rock in tough times. It's natural for your child to grieve if they're no longer seeing their other parent. Let them express their memories, even if they differ from yours. Reassure them of your love and remind them that adults' actions are not their fault.
- Be honest but keep it simple when explaining why the other parent might not be around. These talks can be tricky, so it's okay to get help from a counselor.
- Don't lie to your child about why their parent is gone. They need to trust you.
- Try not to say bad things about the other parent. Your child probably still cares about them, so it's important to show understanding and let them express their feelings.
- A kid’s greatest fear is being abandoned. It is natural for them to feel many strong feelings and fears of being unlovable or unworthy. These are tough feelings to work through so getting professional help from a counsellor or therapist can be very helpful. Connect your kids with the Kids Help Phone, Hope for Wellness or see Getting Help.
- Introduce positive adults into your child's life, such as Elders, coaches, or family friends. Having a few adults outside of the immediate family who truly care about a kid’s wellbeing can really help to boost self esteem and confidence. See Friends, Family and Community.
Remember
Remember it’s okay to seek help, you don’t have to go through this alone.
Children and teens may resist seeing a parent for many different reasons. It’s important to understand the reasons behind the resistance to understand how to repair the relationship. Don’t assume you know the reason. It might not be obvious.
- A kid not wanting to spend time with a parent can be normal and part of typical development. For example, a younger child who spends most of their time with one parent might struggle with separation anxieties that make it difficult to leave them. Kids typically have preferred parents whether parents are separated or not.
- An older kid might not want to hang out with either parent as they are preoccupied with spending time with their friends.
- If the child sees a parent as violent, abusive, unreliable, or uncaring, or if the parent is struggling with addiction issues, it is reasonable that a kid would resist seeing them.
- Children might resist a parent where there is high conflict between parents, especially if one parent insults the other or if transitions between households are difficult.
- One or both parents might actively try to pit a child against the other parent. Or kids might pick up on the conflict and adopt one parent’s negative feelings toward the other.
- Your child might be feeling completely overwhelmed or upset about your separation. It might mean that they might not want to spend time with you or their other parent. They are hurt, and might just need a little bit of space.
- It is especially common for teens to blame one of their parents for the separation.
- Teens may especially take issue when one parent’s style is more strict than the other, or maybe the child is struggling with their step family or siblings.
- Kids might feel protective over the parent they see as the wronged or vulnerable party in the separation
- Kids might feel guilty or responsible for their parent’s feelings. Kids might worry about leaving a parent behind.
This is a difficult situation for everyone involved. The “rejected” parent will feel hurt and the “preferred” parent is put in a difficult situation of trying to square the wishes of their child with the agreed or ordered parenting schedule.
- Talk to your kid and explore their reasons. Is it a particular part of their time with the other parent that worries them?
- Unless there are safety concerns, speak positively about seeing the other parent and encourage them to go. If there are safety concerns, discuss ways in which there could be some ongoing connection that is safe.
- Try to find a solution together with the other parent. Keeping the other parent in the loop early can avoid problems down the road.
- Rather than jumping to laying blame, focus on your relationship with the child.
- Consider, have you done anything to cause the distance and what you could do to heal?
- Consider whether you are falling into any Parenting Traps.
- Reassess your parenting style and try to make your child feel at home with you. See Strengthen Your Bond with Your Kid.
- If there are safety concerns, consider how the relationship can be safely maintained.
- If you notice signs your child is resisting seeing the other parent or speaks badly about the other parent, consider getting professional help.
- Professionals, like a counsellor, social worker or mediator can offer strategies.
- Things can get tricky legalling pretty quickly when children don’t want to follow the ordered or agreed to parenting schedules. Consider getting legal advice.
- Your child’s safety and wellbeing are the most important considerations.
- Work with the other parent on a new schedule even if it is just temporary.
- If you can’t agree, you may need to take steps to get a new court ordered schedule.
- See Best Interests of the Child.
Remember
Many kids feel powerless after their parents separate. Many feel like their voice doesn’t matter. By listening, taking them seriously and asking for their input, you help them feel more in control of their own lives. Some kids just want to feel heard. See the Voice of the Child for ideas on how to involve your kids.