Voice of the Child

Key Takeaway

Children cope better when they get the chance to share their views.

It’s their right!

A kid who is capable of expressing views has the right to participate, there is no arbitrary age limit on this right. This includes the right to:

Express their views freely in matters affecting the child
Have these views taken seriously (taking into account age and maturity)

Convention on the Rights of the Child (CRC) General Comment No. 12

The right to have a voice and participate is often overlooked

Even though they have the right, too often children and teens are not given the opportunity to express their views when their parents separate. This leads to feelings of:

Resentment
Powerlessness
Confusion
Unimportance

Learn More

“Research shows that children cope better with the separation of their parents when they have a chance to share their views.” A Child’s Views and Preferences Fact Sheet

Does this mean that kids get to tell me what to do?

It’s voice, not choice. The right to voice their views does not give young people authority over adults. Asking kids to participate helps them develop decision making skills, self respect and confidence. It also helps strengthen your relationship with them by building trust and a sense of mutual respect. Bonus: It’ll also increase the likelihood that the kids will go along with the ultimate decision.

How you can support your kid’s voice in your separation

☐ Recognize and respect your child’s right to participate in decisions that affect them.

☐ Explain what is going on and what decisions are being made in a way they understand.

☐ Seek out their views even if you cannot do what they want.

☐ Don’t wait until the last minute to ask their views. Talk to them early and often.

☐ Ask them broadly about what is important to them. Avoid asking direct questions that put pressure on them as they may feel like they need to pick sides.

☐ Be patient. It might take them time to figure out what they want to say.

☐ Give them a chance to express their thoughts in a way that is comfortable to them, such as through art or writing.

☐ If they do not feel comfortable talking to you or the other parent, help them find someone they can talk to.

☐ Let them know how you will use the information they give you.

☐ Let the child know what decisions were made and how their views were taken into account.

☐ Check in regularly and be ready to adapt. Their views and needs change as they grow up.

Remember

Each child is different. Listen to your child's feelings about the separation, acknowledge how hard it is to have all these decisions being made about them. Involve them in decisions where possible to empower them.

Learn More

Including your child’s perspective

Formal ways for children to participate

Some children and teens may want to be more formally involved in the legal process. Both parents and the young people should know options about how to participate. They should be given enough information to know if they want to participate and if so how. There are many ways to participate in the legal process:

A dispute resolution process involving the children such as mediation
A report on the views of the child from a professional like a social worker or psychologist
A letter written by the child and presented as evidence
An interview of the child by the judge
A lawyer representing the child

Lawyers for children

It is becoming more common for children to have their own lawyer in family law cases, especially in cases where the conflict is so high between parents they are unable to act in the child’s best interest.

If a child is caught in the middle of a high-conflict legal battle, consider reaching out to children’s rights organizations in your region to learn what options.