Key Takeaway
Many changes are out of your control, and your unconditional love and patience are what will get your kid through this transition.
Safety
These suggestions might not be relevant if you are leaving an abusive or violent relationship.
How to make the changes easier for your kids
- Both parents will always love and care for them. Parents separating doesn’t mean a child loses a parent. Your children will need to be told and reminded of these truths over and over again. This reassurance will help them adjust to the things that will change.
- Remind them that they are still themselves and they are wonderful.
- If you have left a violent or abusive relationship, remind your child that your relationship with them and their siblings is not changing, even if their relationship with their other parent does.
- Try to keep things normal for your child, like their usual activities and routines.
- If big changes have to happen, be honest with them and come up with ways to help. For example if you are moving away and they need to leave their sport activity see if you can find alternative options at the new location.
- Structure and routine are good for all kids, especially those who are neurodiverse. It helps them feel safe and know where they fit in the family. Keep family life as similar as you can, and make sure they keep up with school and their hobbies.
- It is important they see their friends and continue with the activities they enjoy, even though things are changing.
- When we don't know what's going to happen, we might imagine bad things. Talking about and planning for the future can help your children get used to the changes.
- Give as much warning for big changes as possible.
- Kids often feel powerless in a separation or divorce because most decisions are made by their parents.
- Give your children opportunities to make some choices in their daily lives. This way, they won't feel like things are totally out of their control.
- Don't overwhelm them by giving them too many options. For example, have a child choose between two pairs of pants when they are dressing for the day or between two activities, both acceptable to you.
- Kids will appreciate being asked their opinion or for their thoughts, even if you can’t ultimately do what they want. A more mature kid may have opinions about parenting schedules or at least be able to let you know what is important to them as you make your decisions.
- It will be tempting to relax your normal discipline and rules to help ease your children through this difficult time.
- However, changing your household rules will cause anxiety for your children. They appreciate the limits you set, even though they continually test them. It is also counterproductive to shower the children with extra spending money, shopping trips, or other treats.
- Keep the children's rules/boundaries the same as they were before the separation or divorce. Now is not the time to make any changes.
- Ideally standards would be the same in both parent’s households. But remember you can only truly control those standards in your household. If your partner has different rules you can discuss your views and wishes but they have a right to set their own house rules. You can explain that each house has their own rules, much like school, has its own set of rules that might be different from your home.
Resource
If your kids are struggling with changes try connecting them with the Kids Help Phone or Hope for Wellness
Activity
Fillable Routine Charts make two copies for each household
Activity
Fillable schedule to let kids know where they will be staying and when
Tips on making specific changes easier
- Ensure children feel at home in both places. If finances permit, your children should have essentials such as toothbrushes and other essential items available in both homes. This way they don’t feel like they are constantly packing up their whole life on each transition.
- Give them a chance to make themselves feel comfortable, let them decorate their new space. Brainstorm things they would like to feel at home.
- Avoid arguing or discussing legal matters during exchanges.
- Stay positive about the child’s time with the other parent to avoid making them feel bad about enjoying their time.
If conflict between you both is high, arrange for public or “contact free” exchanges such as one parent dropping off at school, and the other picking up.
- Explore ways that you can delay the change until the beginning of a new school year when the transition is easier.
- You can help them become familiar ahead of time with new bus or walking routes.
- Younger kids might be reassured by visiting the school playground on an evening or weekend.
- Explore the school website so you and your kid can become familiar.
- Except in cases where the kid's safety or well-being are at risk, it is usually best for kids to have as much contact with each of their parents as possible.
- Organizing for your kid to talk to their other parent every day is a good routine. Support them to make phone calls, send letters, cards, photographs and emails. One of the most loving things you can do for your children is to support their relationship with the other parent.
- Let them know it’s ok and normal to miss the other parent when they are with you. Let them know you love them even when they are not with you.
- See When a Kid Resists Seeing a Parent if a parent is absent or a child does not want to see a parent
- If your children are old enough, be honest with them that things might be a bit difficult for a while but avoid burdening them with details or blaming the other parent for your financial situation. “We won’t be able to afford that right now” is perfectly fine.
- Try to focus on doing low-cost activities: spend time in the park, create ‘forts’ out of pillows, blankets and chairs at home, have home movie nights and make pop-corn. Your kids will love just spending quality time with you. Local libraries are amazing resources for fun and free activities.
- See Taking Control of Finances for information on how kids are impacted by finances and how to help.
- Create an expectation/chore chart at each house with each member of the family’s roles or jobs. If possible, coordinate with the other parent so expectations are the same in each household.
- Avoid overburdening your older kids with responsibilities beyond regular chores. Kids, especially older ones, might try to help out more when there's only one parent around. It's good to have their help, but it's also important for them to have time to just be kids. Encourage them to do their usual activities and spend time with friends.
- Be thoughtful and reasonably cautious when introducing new partners to the children. Stability is best for kids so having new people come and go can be confusing.
- Be honest with your kids in an age-appropriate manner about the new relationship. Reassure your kids that your new partner does not replace their other parent.
- Be sensitive and avoid introducing new partners soon after a break up as it could increase conflict between you and the other parent. Keep the goal of minimizing conflict for your kid’s sake in mind. See New Partners and Blended Families.
- They may change, temporarily or for a long time. It is common for some family members to take sides.
- Remind extended family to stay neutral about the break up around the kids and to not badmouth the other parent in front of the children.
- During times of uncertainty, it is important to lean on your support network. If there are relatives who can remain focused on the well-being of the kids, your kids will benefit from seeing them as often as possible. See Building Connection for more guidance.
- Your kids may also experience some positive changes. They may be relieved that any tension or fighting is reduced.
- By spending more time alone with each parent, they might get to know each of you better and have better relationships with you. You and your former partner might even be happier and more fun to be with.
Wellness
There is no set timeline on adjusting to changes. Some kids will take longer than others. If your kids are struggling, consider getting help from their support network or professionals like counsellors.