Principaux points à retenir
Involving children in your conflicts with the other parent harms them. Redirect your attention from your relationship with the other parent to prioritize your children's needs and wellbeing.
Check in with yourself. Am I falling into any of these traps? The good news is you can get out of them. Recognizing you’re caught in one is the first step. Remember you can apologize to your kid and other parent and move forward in a more healthy way.
- Kids can feel pressured to take sides in the divorce. This is extremely stressful for kids who may feel torn between their parents.
- Communicate respectfully and avoid talking negativity about the other parent. Let them know it is okay to keep loving both their parents.
- Avoid talking about child support issues in front of your kids.
- Speak directly with the other parent instead. See Money Worries and the Kids.
Avoid blaming or criticizing the other parent, it can really hurt your kids. Keep reassuring them that you both love them. Good relationships with friends and family are crucial for helping kids during a separation. Make sure they know not to say anything bad about the other parent around the children. See Your Kid’s Other Parent.
The issues between you and the other parent should be resolved directly between the two of you. Using kids as messengers adds to their stress and guilt as they are worried about your reaction or getting the messages right. See Parenting with the Other Parent.
Conflict during transitions can make your child feel guilty. Keep them low-conflict to reduce stress. Try scheduling transitions on school or daycare days to avoid seeing each other. Do not use transitions as opportunities to exchange legal documents or talk about your legal case.
It's okay and healthy to show your feelings to your kids! You want to model how to manage emotions. Avoid overburdening your children however. Get support and process your emotions with a trusted friend or counsellor instead. See Identifying Feelings.
Sometimes parents might ask their children to find out information about their other parent but this can be really confusing for children. It might make them feel like their ‘telling’ on their other parent or their other parent is doing something wrong. Speak to the other parent directly if you have questions.
- Are you trying to “win” your kids by buying them things? Do you leave the discipline up to the other parent?
- While they may protest, routine and consistency are generally best for their wellbeing. They need their parents for the hard stuff, as well as the fun.
Remember
Children need to have someone who they can trust and have their backs to get through times of high stress and turmoil. Ideally that person is their parent. When you fall in these parenting traps you ultimately undermine your child’s trust in you. See Strengthen your Bond with Your Kid.